We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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