I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
