Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
