i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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