first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
