I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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