There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
