i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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