you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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