Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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