I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
