This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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