Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
