I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would fuck him just for his dog
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