ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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