It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The Olympian is in my bed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
