How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The power of my boobs compel you
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
