I can tuck mytits in my pants
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
