I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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