I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
