Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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