I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
