I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
