Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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