you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
