I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
