Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
