I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
