Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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