I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
