I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
