just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
