Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
