it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
