i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
