I'm going to jail i love you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
