i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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