No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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