he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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