He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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