Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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