she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
