no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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