I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
