Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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