We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I've blown a few things in my day
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize
