So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
