We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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