My first STD was from a foam party
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
