I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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