Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
