I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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