last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
His nipple licking is glorious
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