I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
