On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
