Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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