I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
