This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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