Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
