If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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